As parents we need to choose to say uplifting things to our children and not let their bad actions dictate what we say.

In all the above stages there can be attitudes, good or bad, disrespect, testing and/or fighting. There can also be harsh words as your children are getting older and are able to talking back. Before you react, think and ask yourself, is this moment in time what my child is really like? Is reality the monster you see before you or is reality your sweet and wonderful child you know and love?

As parents we need to name it for what it is, caring, thoughtful, helpful, good student, athletic, creative etc. If your child is a pre-teen or teen tell them that they are just going through a hormone change and that deep inside you know they really didn’t mean what they just said. You know what is inside your child and that this is just a phase that they will out-grow. They are able to realize that it is just their body changing and it really doesn’t have anything to do with who they really are as a person. Everyone wants to feel important. We want to feel like we matter to someone.

The same is true for your children, so let them know. Click Here and in step 3 make a card for them. Most children love to see themselves in print. Find a picture of your children doing what they are best at; playing a sport or instrument, writing or drawing, helping others, then make a card with your child on the front cover. Inside tell your child how important they are to you and how proud you are of them. It will make a positive impact on their life.

Children can lose the ability to empathize with others for several reasons: 

1. If a child cries and if their needs are met, they realize that someone is there for them. This experience over time, gives them the capacity to express empathy to others. If a child’s needs aren’t met, they can become anxious and begin to think only of themselves and may develop undesirable traits. When their emotional needs are unmet, how can they meet someone else’s emotional needs? 

2. Children model what they see. If children observe their parents lack of showing empathy to others, how can they develop the ability to show empathy? By modeling empathic behavior and pointing out situations that call for empathy you can generate empathetic responses in your children. For example, if you are driving down a lonely highway and just passed a car with its hood up and shortly thereafter notice someone walking down the road with a gas can in their hand, what you do tells your child a lot about your attitude regarding empathy. Do you stop and help them or just continue onto your destination without giving any thought to helping?  What will your child remember from your actions?

3. When you do something for someone, tell your children about it and explain to them why you did it and how it made you feel. These are excellent opportunities to ask your child if what you did made a difference.  Ask them “Do you think what I did will be returned to me as an empathetic gesture in the future by someone else?”

4. Children understand what it’s like to be upset, but what about anger, frustration, disappointment, excitement and other emotions? When they experience these emotions, they don’t always have the words to describe their feelings. If parents help children to understand their feelings, the children will be able to understand their emotions as well as others’ emotions. Emotions will be discussed in upcoming Blogs.

The empathy inherent in our children when they are born can either disappear if not nurtured, or if nurtured, can be encouraged to grow. Which do you choose to do for your children?

Psalms 103:13 says, “As the father has compassion on his children so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.” (NIV) The Lord has compassion/empathy/pity on us. If we remember the empathy God has shown us, it will be easier to show empathy to others.

James 1:27 states, “The religion which is holy andfree from evil in the eyes of our God and Father is this: to take care of children who have no fathers and of widows who are in trouble, and to keep oneself untouched by the world.” (Bible in Basic English) 

20% of the population in the United States are divorced and 1/3 of those over the age of 15 are single. Some of those single people have children but have never been married. As a result, we have an obligation to have empathy on them.

Churches have failed the fatherless and widows of today’s world. Children orphaned by divorce are suffering. In the movie “UP” (Disney/Pixar) it shows the need of a child needing male attention. 

Unfortunately our churches are geared towards married couples, thus, a lot of the singles and single parents feel like they don’t belong. If a single person spends time in a married couple’s home they might cause one of the spouses to fall into sin thus being touched by the world.

This mind-set is left over from the mid 19^th century when they use to believe such things as; if you listened to musical instruments you would go to hell, or if you consumed alcoholic beverages that you were a sinner thus you were touched by this world.  Even in today’s modern society, some churches think that contemporary music is “worldly”.

Does your child have a friend from a divorced family? What can you do together to show empathy to that child? If your child doesn’t have a friend from a divorced family, you won’t have to look too far to find one. I also challenge you to help the child’s mother with any emotional support she may need. When she doesn’t know what to do with her child, she typically has no one to talk to, so be there for her. 

Not only will GOD bless you for taking care of His widows and fatherless., but you can become your child’s hero too.

“Mom, I miss Ashton,” Isabella said as she slumped in the chair. “I want to visit her.”

“It will cost at least  $500 for the airplane ticket.”

A light shone in her eyes. “What if I pay for half the ticket. Could I go then?”

“If you can find the money for half the ticket, I’m sure I can find the money for the other half,” I replied. But I was thinking it would take a couple of years for a six-year-old to save $250.

Nonetheless, Isabella decided that she would visit Ashton in 10 months. For her birthday and Christmas, she asked for money that she could put toward her trip instead of presents.

She looked for opportunities.  Every time she entered a car she would scan the floor of the back seat. If she found a quarter, she would ask, “Can I have this quarter I found on the floor? I’m saving to visit my best friend in Arkansas.” The drivers wouldn’t even know a quarter was on the floor. They all replied, “Yes.”

In six months, Isabella had saved her half of the airplane ticket. She has set a seemingly impossible goal for a seven-year-old, but she accomplished it.

Goal Setting Steps

Here were her steps, and they can be yours, whatever your age and goal:

1. Setting a goal – To visit her best friend.
2. Problem-solving – She came up with the idea to split the cost with her mother.
3. Making a plan – To save all of her money.
4. Commitment -  She didn’t spending her money on candy or toys but she saved it for an airplane ticket.
5. Focus – She knew what she wanted, and she didn’t let anything stop her from achieving her goal.
6. Persistence – She kept asking for help. People wanted to help her realize her goal.
7. Achievement – She realized her dream at the age of seven when she walked on the airplane all by herself to visit her best friend. 

What is a goal your child wants to achieve? Sit down and follow these simple steps to help him/her set a goal and achieve it. You will be surprised what your child can do.

After your have set a goal have your child make a comment. Then as he/she accomplishes steps, have them make more comments. It will help them be accountable and it will be fun for them to see their comments on the web.

Confidence is believing in ourselves: that we can do anything, achieve anything and be anything. 

It is important, because it helps us to try new things, take risks, persist when obstacles appear and find creative ways to solve problems. 

Confident children are able to make decisions and choices without the help of others. They meet challenges head on. Isn’t this what we want for our children? Do we want them to make their own choices? Do we want them to be children who stand up for themselves and others? 

As parents, we play a major role in developing our children’s confidence. It is our reactions that tell them whether we approve or disapprove of them. When we encourage their efforts, not just their successes, we promote their confidence. We teach them that they do not need to fear failure, that they should keep trying, because eventually they will come up with the answers to their problems or the ability to do what they are setting out to do. 

Do our children understand that life is full of ups and downs? Do they know that sometimes they will succeed and sometimes they will fail? Most people don’t see the value of failing or having down times, because if they did, our society would have less need for anti-depressant drugs. We need to teach ourselves and our children that it is OK to make mistakes or even fail sometimes, because we are not perfect. But our mistakes or failures don’t determine who we become – only the outcome. Will we give up, or will we try again? Confident people try again. 

Henry Ford had a great saying: “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” We become who we are through our thoughts about what we can or can’t do. As parents, we need to help our children think about what they can do. 

What do you expect your child to become? Study after study verifies that children rise to the expectation of teachers, parents and other adults in their lives. Write down the person you see your child becoming – not what career she will have or how much money she will make, but what characteristics she will have. Think about important characteristics such as honesty, kindness, helpfulness, creativity, leadership, and persistence. Then find opportunities to praise her when she exhibits one of the characteristics: “That was so helpful. I’ll bet you help lots of people when you grow up.”  ”You were the first one to be honest. Honesty will help you as you get older because other people will be able to trust you.” 

Your child wants you to be proud of her. Take the time today to tell her how proud you are. Encourage her that you are proud when she steps out of her comfort zone to try something new.  It doesn’t matter whether she accomplished it – just that she tried.

What are we afraid of?

 “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you must look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”   Eleanor Roosevelt

If we are to gain confidence by every experience in which we look fear in the face, we must also confront a question: What are we doing that makes us afraid?

Many times in my life, I have run away from the things I fear. Or I have put it off until it became more painful not to do it than to do it. I know I am not alone in these actions, because I often have heard people speak on this topic.

I have found as a mother of two awesome girls that I don’t want them to go through life the way I have. I want them to break free of the same chains that may have prevented me from being the person I knew I could be. I want them to be all they can be. But how can I make that happen?

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Confidence is gained by the experiences in which we face fear.” Does that mean I must let my children do something they are afraid to do? Must I encourage them to do something that scares them? Will I need to lead by example and do something that I am afraid to do?

The answer to all of the above questions is the same: yes!

Confidence is like the ocean tide: sometimes we have a great amount, similar to high tide.   Sometimes we have very little — low tide. Our lives are no different than the ocean’s currents. We need to realize this and make our children aware of it. Once we have this awareness, life when we don’t have very much confidence becomes more bearable. We experience no guilt or self-condemnation that we are failures. It is just a process of life over which we have no control, like the receding of the water at low tide. But we can take steps needed to move forward into confidence.

What are some steps you can take to build your child’s confidence during the low tides of life?

First, find an activity your child has accomplished. Is it riding a bike, hitting a home run, catching a fly ball, winning a chess game, making an art piece, knowing how to spell,  being good at math, graduating from kindergarten? Everyone is good at something.

Take pictures of your child achieving in that activity and write words of encouragement or quotes around the picture to create a success notebook. This can be taken out and reviewed when confidence is low. Your child can relive the event through the words and pictures. His eyes will see the results of his achievement, his hands can touch the picture and the book. He can read words written about his great achievement. This will impact  several senses and learning abilities, helping his confidence to grow.  

Other ways to record successes include writing your child’s achievements on pieces of paper and connecting the pieces together to form a success chain than can circle a room.

Post your child’s success stories on a bulletin board with so they are visible every day.

These activities bring the child’s successes to the front of his mind. He will see where he has been, increasing his confidence to succeed when faced with fearful challenges in the future.

 Last year I decided I needed to be more active in helping her reach her goal. I signed us up for a Writing for Children class at the community college. She would only attend if she did not have to read her writing aloud. The teacher was so gracious and she said that she could read when she was ready.

Isabella was 14. I told her that a bunch of old people would not laugh at her when she shared besides if she wants to be an author at some point people would have to read her writing. After a couple of months, she did read her writing. I was blown away, she was good.

 Our class turned into a support group. In June, we had a writing assignment to take three objects and write anything that came to mind. Twenty minutes later Isabella had the story Finger like Branches. It has taken almost three months before she allowed others to read her writing. Now I am asking for feedback from everyone I know and do not know. I am on a mission to change the picture she has of herself.

Over the last year, I have been building her self-esteem by

• Taking her to writing class
• Encouraging her every week or two about how great she writes
• Now asking others for input because she thinks I have to say she is great because I am her mother.

The last year has been so rewarding. I was blessed to spend time with her every week. I was able to talk to her and encourage her. I did something she wanted to do and I have seen tremendous growth in her life. I would not trade it for a million dollars.

•  Is there a class you can take with your child?
• What words of encouragement can you share with your child?
• Can you enlist the help of others to share their image of your child with them so they can see themselves as they truly are?

What is the one action step you are going to make today? Leave me a note telling me what it is. It will make you more accountable because you will feel like you have to do it.

• Self-esteem is the feelings we have about ourselves.
• Self-image is the picture we have of ourselves in our mind.
• Self-concept is what we think about ourselves.

 The way to improve our success in life is to improve our thoughts, image and feelings.  As adults, we have the power to affect those children’s self-esteem, self-image and self-concept.

 Yesterday morning when I was in bed, I heard a mother screaming at her child, “You split milk all over the place. You f***ing child. What the h*** were you thinking? …. Who gives a f*** if you are sorry”

My heart broke for that child. What kind of self-image do you think he will have? As parents and caregivers, we do make an impact on our children. What kind of an impact do you want to make?

 Oprah Winfrey’s grandmother saw in Oprah talent for talking. She had her reciting scripture at church before she was in kindergarten.

Tiger Wood’s dad saw in him a talent for golf. At age 2 he put him in a tournament for boys 10 and under. Tiger won.

Bill Gates, mother was part of the Lake Side Mother’s Club that raised money to get a computer at his school in 1967. Bill was in the 7^th grade. In the 8th grade, he was paid to be a computer  programmer.

Grandmother, dad or mother we have the power to shape our children’s lives. What will you commit to do today to help your child’s self-esteem, self-image and self-concept improve?

            My parents separated/divorced when I was around five. Things were great until I was 11-12 years old and my mom moved my brother and me to a different state. Then I had a very rocky childhood. Rejection, abandonment and low self-esteem were my constant friends.

            When I was married, I promised myself that I would never get a divorce. We went to Bible College. We became a youth pastors and then associate pastors. Our marriage was having problems. People who knew about it kept asking me why I was still with him. But I had made a promise. Then things got really bad. I could not live with him. I could not get a divorce. I could not let him destroy my children. I was at a point of despair and indescribable pain.

             My faith took me through that terrible period, and I was able to give myself permission to break my  promise.

              I tell you this so you can have hope. I was emotionally and mentally gone but I overcame it. If I can overcome it, so can you. It’s not easy. There are times I feel like I am just keeping my head above water. But I have risen from the pit, I have learned to survive, and I have inspired my children to be better people.

            For the last 14 years I have worked two jobs. In order to see and have an impact on my children I homeschooled them during the day and worked when they were asleep.

            I was able to do all this because I believed that it was possible. You too can believe you will make a difference in your children’s lives. No matter where you come from or what you have been through, you can rise above it. You can help your children succeed in life. There will be problems and they have to go through difficulties but you can give them the foundation they need. They will not always make the right choices, neither do we.

            60-80% of our success in life is because of our emotional intelligence. It is something that is learned. It is something that we can improve in our lives and our children’s lives. Have you heard that leaders are made not born? That is because we are in charge of our emotional life. We have the power to change our lives. Once we have changed, we will inspire our children to change because they will see the difference in our lives.

AnnaMarie